For many people, holidays bring up a wide range of old and new emotional pain. One client of mine is spending time with a relative in active addiction; another is facing a belligerent parent. It can be helpful to have some tools at-the-ready when dealing with our most difficult family members. Rather than avoid, attack or accommodate difficult behaviors, here are 3 ideas to de-escalate and practice self-compassion:
- Carefront: A technique in which we are caring and clear about the shared goals and what you need.
“I know we both want to enjoy the holiday, and we’ve been looking forward to it for so long. Can we focus on enjoying our time together rather than worrying about my career choice?”
- Neutralize: Neither agree nor disagree, but make an interior decision to not get hooked. Example provocation: “WOW, you’ve put on so much weight”. Or “I don’t understand how you live in that crime ridden neighborhood and pay that amount of rent.”
“You might be right” or “Good to know”
- Pivot:. Skillfully change the subject.
“I don’t follow politics… what about that driverless car they are building?”
There are innumerable ways to get tripped up at the holidays. The meta-skill here is to not get hooked. Mentally rehearse, find ways to access positive emotions, and remember to find the funny. For those of you not needing these tools, lucky you!
Raise your words, not voice. It is rain that
grows flowers, not thunder.
Rumi
With Gratitude, Eileen
More great pearls of wisdom!! Hope you’re well and Happy Thanksgiving!
THANK You and right back at you Meg!
Rehearsal the key word. I learned that 5 years ago before going in to the nursing home to visit my mother.
Yes Anthony- nothing like having a few statements at the ready so we don’t get taken into the vortex. Happy Thanksgiving to you.
As usual, thanks for words that comfort and inspire me. Happy Thanksgiving!
Loved your suggestions for getting out of undesirable interactions! We use the actual word “pivot ” when anyone in our crew feels they want out of the conversation. It works.